My fourth annual attempt to write a satirical, lampoon-ish, Onion-esque column about Annual Conference (3 previous years here and here).
Ten More Ways to Make Annual Conference More Vile
10. Seasons 1 & 2 of House of Cards shown in each business session as leadership training for Pastors/District Superintendents
9. Invite Jimmy Fallon to preside as temporary Bishop: opens each worship service with a #FallonMono, each business session features ‘Thank You Notes’ (‘Thank you, Annual Conference Bingo, for making any pastor 40 and under actually pay attention’), and institutes Lip Synch Battles for the best pastoral appointments
8. Ask for the Civic Center to double book us with the Monster Truck Jam–pack out the business sessions with a few monster truck races in between reports. Pyrotechnics are always welcomed (thanks Rev. Scott Johnson)
7. Invite the guys from Pulpit Fiction Podcast and The Moonshine Jesus Show to provide live, running commentary on the Scriptural exegesis of each preacher/speaker/delegate who dares speak into a mic
6. Districts will no longer go by their geographical location but by a number (if Greenville gets dubbed district 12, I’ll bring mocking jay pins for us to wear—thanks Rev. Matthew Greer)
5. Delegates invited to go on a ‘Selfie Scavenger Hunt,’ including taking selfies with Bishop Holston (bonus points if he has his shepherd’s staff), with delegates with moustaches on Monday and wild pants on Wednesday, of themselves making a point of order on microphone #3, and with as many folks at the Tuesday morning award breakfast they can squeeze in (Ellen DeGeneres-at-the-Oscars-style)
4. Anyone wishing to make a motion must sing it into the mic and wait for the Bishop, Parliamentarian, Recording Secretary and Cabinet Rep to push the red button swiveling their chairs around with “I Want You” lit up to accept the motion
3. Instead of using the loquacious language of Robert’s Rules of Order, Bishop simply yells “FAIL” when someone is out of order. Also, repeat offenders should be chastised by an actual “bar of the conference.” (thanks Rev. Brian Arant)
2. Three words: Million Burrito Effort
And (still, for the 4th straight year!) the number 1 way to make Annual Conference More Vile:
1. Expect God to show up, shake us up, and send us out to take what we do there to the world at large, which is our parish (in other words, ‘submit to be more vile,’ as J-Dub put it).